Wednesday, September 11, 2013

insight from the outside [of the cliques]

I have friends at school. I know I do. In every class, I never have the problem of being alone because I'm relatively friendly and outgoing when I feel like it. I say hello to acquaintances in the hallway. I do have lots of friends. My problem, however, is that I have no friend "groups." I don't have a central "clique" of friends [my main group went away to college]. This never really bothered me yet this year because I am very independent and I don't feel that I need people around me to be secure. 
Well now it is starting to bother me. Whether it is the stress of not being able to put a funny nickname on the back of my Senior Girls t-shirt [why would I put something that no one else will find funny or "inside"?] or the sadness that comes along with going to my senior homecoming without any senior friends, I just feel a little bit empty. Like my senior year isn't worth as much. It's sad to think that I might leave high school without a close group of friends my own age. Or that I probably won't go to any of the four school dances. Or that I am a part of this group that is notoriously close [publications] but even though I am an editor, I am not really a member of the exclusive "group." I have friends all over, but they each have their own "groups." And there's me. I eat lunch alone every single day. I don't make plans on the weekends. I make myself very busy so I don't have to think about the empty inbox in my text messages or the silence I face when I walk into the publications room every morning. I wander from friend to friend, but at the end of the day, they all go back to their little groups and I go home and eat chocolate and geek out over graphic design and literature. I hope this is not how I end up at the end of the year. I hope that I look back at this with some sort of "group" and laugh at how lonely and sad I was. I hope that maybe I will become less unliked [for no reason]. I hope that maybe, at some point, I have fun [socially] my senior year. If not, I might just go insane. 

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